Show Me Your Teeth

You appeared suddenly, soaring the sky screeching of hell and fire. Burning so bright that you'd left traces in the waters below.  Life fell silent. Observing the fierce energy you transmitted. Clouds took refuge. The heavens turned purple. I went back to the spot I saw you yesterday. But you were nowhere to be seen. Wild things shouldn't be tamed but savored for as long as they last.

It Will Make You Strong

No Title
Conté Crayons drawing on paper
52x36cm 2013

Disagreement is a rich source to bounce off new ideas. It's a force that cannot be contained nor grasped. The collision turns around old habits and thoughts, creating space for new things to arise. A opportunity to make visible what is essential. The storm is temporarily, almost like a side effect. Do not pay to much attention to it. The consequences on the other hand may last for a longer period of time.  And with every rearrangement we change, alter and learn. And even though I agree that peace and harmony are excellent states of being, I also state the importance of conflict and disagreement. Once we take in account the fact that we hardly understand life on this planet nor our purpose on it, we can look at our relationships with that same layer of ignorance. Do we not all believe in the 'Happily Ever After' syndrome and everything that deviates from that storyboard is in one way or another frowned upon. But if you (like i do) believe that life is eternal, there is no such thing as death; we come and we go. Our lives are like the flapping wings of a butterfly; moving air, space and time. 

Death is only a door. One closes and another opens * 
*Quote Sonmi-451 Cloud Atlas

That's all there is to it. You'll be surprised that whatever the outcome of your life will be, it's actually all GOOD! No matter what you've done, there is only love and the absence of love. Which is to say there is only love. Even in its absence, what is absence but something that might be present but what we just don't perceive at a particular moment? 

No Title
Conté Crayons drawing op paper 36x52cm 2013

Take these new drawings I've finished yesterday. They are the first works after my period at the Rietveld. So there is no interference by teachers, no feedback by students. But they do find their kick-start from a disagreeing energy. A confrontation that was in the making for weeks! And when it got addressed it exploded into my creativity. It might not make the people happy who are at the centre of this conflict but sometimes mud must be flown. So it can settle down again in different proportions. So we know all is good and full of love.

Drawing Continues

Researching pose-body relation 2012

Yesterday we celebrated our 6420 days of friendship, I decorated the table, got flowers and cooked us a very spicy dinner! Our get-togethers are like my favorite clothes;  effortlessly comfortable mixed with a posh edge. And our laughter is the diamond studded brim! You didn't expect any of this so to see the surprise in your eyes gave me the biggest gratification. From the linen napkins, the Louis XIV silver cutlery to the crystal glasses that sing when we toast, you drank every little detail with the expression of wonder and joy. You love your family unconditionally, but having a little boy and a baby can get the better part of any mother! No worries they all went through it. So to sit back and enjoy the luxury of someone that has taken care of every little detail can indeed be a blissful experience. It was when we had our soup that you asked about my development and what it is I'm currently working on.  I showed you some photo's and talked about the graduation show ideas when you interrupted me with the question;' have you stopped drawing and painting?' I answered that; while they are not very high on my priority list right now, I would always be occupied with them on some level or another. And then I sort of forgot about the subject and we went on... 

First sketch about Boxed Head performance 2012

At 08:30 this morning I received your text message saying you still experienced an afterglow from last night. But my eyes didn't see daylight until 12:30, I guess motherhood kicked back in... While I poured myself a cup of coffee I thought about last night and before I could fill the cup I was going through my sketchbook and saw that it was filled with little ideas, sketches and other drawings. Realizing that it IS an important way to express myself, so I should include it in some way or another during the graduation exhibit in July! THANK YOU JENNEKE! For addressing something I take for granted and that might be very helpful for viewers to read my work. I've put my money on another 6420 days, just so you know!

XDX

Expectations

Working on a drawing for the Green Light Assessment

Preparations for the Green Light Assessment are on its way. The Green Light Assessment (GLA) is the run-up for the final exam in July. It consists of three elements:

(1) Thesis. 

(2) Visual Development.

(3) Artist Statement.

This add's up to a Red, Yellow or Green light. The first one means a No Go the last one is the Thumbs Up! With only three more days to go my focus lies with number two. A very dense time this is, I make - look - change - make new one's - and change the composition again. Its not like producing a series of paintings or sculptures. Some pieces are specially created of this installation. Others are from my sketchbook and find their place here. I've realized that my personal emotions are the base of many works. I have to admit that  life and things that happen -on a personal level- are so complex that I use art to reshape, reconnect or address them. 

Try-out composition on the floor before putting it up on the wall

And if I do make a piece that seems to question the environment or a certain social class system, and look at them in retrospective I can pinpoint right down to the source. So there you have it! One of the reasons why I use myself a lot in my work. My physical presence, or to go through a specific sort of motion that might look awkward is essential for me to experience!  To grasp what the best possible visible language is for a certain train of thoughts is most of the time an instant hit. That in other attempts get some texture or becomes more refined.

Sick of being sick

Sketch research 

'I'm not doing this shit anymore' was the dominant train of thoughts for me in November 2011. My passive aggressive state of mind came to a halt and was instantly replaced by a furious rage of anger. It hardly mattered where I was or what I was doing. I reached a place where something inside of me screamed ENOUGH! And when you feel you've had enough of something and you badly need a change of scenery; when you know you've reached the bottom of the pit and all that has been experienced has been building up inside of you, THAT is when the adrenaline kicks in! Right there, when you are launched like a rocket, roaring through the sky, accepting nothing around you that reminds you of the previous bullshit you drank like a milkshake. 'Shut up and get the hell out of my way' and oh dear how delicious the sensation of release is! Every cell is activated, every nerve receptive. And creativity flows through my veins; wild like a mountain river in spring when the sun transforms the snowy tops into vast amounts of water. While riding the waves I envisioned the location of the anger and I saw laboratory animals, sacrificed ritual animals and myself as part of nature (a part of all the animals) on mother earth. The boar, ram and bull but also rabbits, monkeys, cats and dogs. Kept in cages. Undergoing trials, tests; being measured and observed.  

Plaster experiment

But not the jackrabbit; not the hare, they are part of the family of Leporids (thesis material) and are the only ones who are adapted to the lack of physical protection. They have not been domesticated and simply die in captivity. They remain untamed...

Clay experiment

Fascination started, research on its way. First in sketching and understanding the form in 2d, later (up to this moment) to understand its physical presence. To make suffering visible. To give the viewer a sense of uneasiness. To get underneath the human flesh with the aching visual language of the wild gone tame, the sophisticated ruling out unwanted behaviour. Causing a mental poverty that results in death.

This landscape will undergo further exploration for it has rich resources.

NEW NEW NEW

Text proposal made of nails 

'A site specific exhibit' is what you told us 8 weeks ago. So we formed groups to challenge ourselves and exchange form and content. What is the history of this location and how do we move around in it? We started a process and were cut short. No big deal. We took on the NEW grid and started again. New New New; it's New York. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of.  And 'new' is what everybody seems in need of to show. For me it became apparent that this site specific exhibit is much bigger than a location. It is a 'gut' feeling that is a stranger to me. As if all energy is way up at the ceiling and not at the ground. Nothing can be extracted from the earth here. This place is barren. And I hang between a passive aggressive state, conflicting 'wanna makes' with 'thesis writing'. The time is getting closer to the exhibit and I have found my armory. I'll bring 2 large Nanika drawings to this event. Heavy framed in wood they are kept in place by four pins, this avoids the work from touching the glass. The participation of these works can be seen as an attempt to open up my presence at the KB studio. They have an emotionally charged depiction and I hope their presence at the studio will alter the energy there. In return I hope the studio will add a layer of experiment to their finished state of being. Nanika is Japanese for 'something that is hard to describe' and thus it finds its way to my own experience at the location and could conflict, add and confront building and viewers. I'm angry and I'm happy that the first cracks appear on the concrete floor. 

Nanika 13
charcoal, marker, acrylic paint on paper
114cm x 166cm

A new drawing

Round and Round 2011